(Psalm 42:7; 69:2) Before I fell asleep last night God spoke to me and said a certain relationship would not work out because if he were to see the depths of my heart, he would run away. Not all people are ready for such depth from a person’s heart, their love. Then I dreamt last night. There were images of deep waters, a mystical type of water. Throughout the entire dream a worship song resounded: “MY HEART cries DEEPER. My cries deeper for you. My HEART grows deeper, my heart grows louder for you. These depths come from my heart, and they grow louder for you. For YOU,God!” you see, the ways of the Lord are unable to be understood. He works mysteriously. He fills the depths of our hearts with love, music, and friendship. He fills us with HIM. I understand suddenly the intention of what He did last night: IF I CHOSE TO SETTLE for what I want—who I want, I’d end up empty. The larger and deeper my heart is, the more it takes to be satisfied. ONLY THE FATHER, THE CREATOR, and SAVIOR can fill my heart, which grows deeper and deeper for the love of the LORD. Only He can satisfy. #devotion #personal #love #God #Psalms #life #Water #Christ (Taken with instagram)
Thoughts):
Last night I dreamed of a dead baby.
As I was walking up the hill from the senior lot, I thought and prayed about it. God said to me, “Sarah. Look up the definition on dream moods tonight. That’s where I want you to find the definition this time. But Sarah, just because an image appeared to be scary in your dream, it does not mean that the symbolism and interpretation is scary.”
Well I just looked it up because I just remembered. It means, “an end to something that was a part of you.”
Because of the people in the dream/whose baby it was, as well as the setting it was at….I know what it is. I know what the dream means. I know what God’s talking about.
The image that is so vivid though is how the parents of the baby were smiling. They were smiling and laughing and joyful about the dead baby. They acted as if it were still living.
There.
That gives me some hope.
Because I know that God is saying, “Sarah. Just because it is coming to an end, does not mean it will be a sorrowful ending. This time, here…you will be happy that you had it. They will all remain your friends, as if you never left. It will all be okay. Although things are coming to an end, although you have to move on to new things. YOU will be happy, and THEY will be happy. Because you all enjoyed the time that you had with each other. It will all be okay. It will not be sorrowful.”
And it just makes me think about the vision that God gave me during worship about 3 weeks ago or so.
It was a certain someone and he said to me, “Sarah. You have to accept the fact that YOU are LEAVING. I’ve already accepted it. It was easier for me than it is for you…..but Sarah……just because it was easier for me to accept that you’re leaving, does not mean that it wasn’t hard. Because it was very hard…”
The thing is…I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I knooooow.
But I don’t want to leave
I don’t want to move on
They are my FAMILY.
They have seriously become my family.
How can I be asked to leave and not be depressed about it.
How can God give me a VISION of this guy that is so freaking accurate to the feeling in real life. Even I can tell he has accepted it deep down in there. But me? I just can’t.
Not yet.
I can’t.
How can I?
The Wall.
I painted this in 2002, second grade. Everyone was painting the same picture in imitation to some template, but only tonight am I realizing how it completely relates to my life.
For one thing, I love that the same template thing proves that in life, everyone struggles with the same types of emotions, only in different ways.
But upon observing the picture itself… A girl is walking in the rain along a path, but a field full of flowers behind a fence captivates her attention.
It’s me. It’s my life.
For the past year my heart feels to have been walking this monotonous path of joy and heartache, joy, then regret and hurt. My heart has been plagued by these puddles of sadness that don’t ever seem to dry out… But finally, I’ve stopped walking and I’m looking outward to a future of hope. However, here’s the problem: A fence blocks my path from reaching that future.
What is that fence?
All the shit I let pile up. I rarely use strong language like that in my writing, but I believe that it is the perfect word for once.
The fence is my fears.
The fence is my past.
My past mistakes.
My past regrets.
I am so tired because it is these things that have been holding me back from walking into my field of rest and happiness.
I haven’t been able to forgive myself, but now I know why.
I have been so incredibly angry at myself for allowing my pain to get the better of me. I hate myself for how I isolated myself from everyone last year. I hate myself for wanting to die. I hate myself for not being the perfect person that I could have been if I hadn’t let the pain get in the way.
BUT THAT’S THE PROBLEM.
If I let these things get in the way, these regrets, then I will NEVER reach that field of happiness.
Those things were mistakes. Mistakes that I learned from and grew from.
What’s the use of making the same mistake by allowing these regrets to get in the way of moving forward.
The umbrella.
The thing that protects me from the rain.
If I keep holding that, I’ll never be able to climb the fence because it occupies my hands.
It could very well be that God wants me to let go of my safety blanket and learn to dance in the rain… Dance in the pain.
I must learn to let go of my fear of pain as a way to combat it.
It’s crazy… How elementary school art, that at first seems to have no meaning, can actually mean more than the heart could ever truly comprehend.
The problem is how much I know I’m wrong. When it comes to disregarding the bad things.
I know that this isn’t what God wants for me. The things that I want to happen, that’s not what He wants to happen.
He told me Himself.
He told me multiple times.
That’s the part that hurts
That’s the part that makes me know I need to leave behind the things that I want in order to gain what HE has for me.
In the mean time though
it frking hurts.
I go home and I think about how I just want you. I think about how even though I should let you go, I won’t. Frankly because I don’t want to.
I think about all the things that I know is wrong, and I disregard it all. Because no matter what anyone will ever tell me, I just want you. That’s it, and that’s all I can say. I’m so tired of thinking about all the paths that life will take us both and how things will change. I don’t care anymore. Scratch that. I do care, but I choose not to let it bother me anymore like it used to. Because all I want is to enjoy every moment that I spend with you because in the end, that is all that matters.
“No life is a waste. The only time that we waste is the time we spend thinking we’re alone.”
“But if I were prettier, I’d be easier to love.”
This is for the ladies, but hey—it can apply to guys too.
I’ve been struggling with this thought a lot lately. Often times it’s just so obvious, the attention that beautiful girls/attractive guys will get from literally everyone around them. Everyone wants to be their friend. They win over everyone and they have the capability to win over almost ANYONE that they want. That’s just the way it is. There’s no sugar-coating the fact.
But when it comes to attracting people in hopes that they would love you, I’ve come to realize how crucially important it is to realize and believe that the TRUE people who are actually WORTH keeping around, are the people who love you for WHO YOU ARE and NOT for how you appear.
Cut out everything else. Cut out the idea that you NEED to have every single person love you to find your self worth. Cut out the “need” to have people look up to you because you are physically perfect.
People should look up to you because you constantly try to achieve spiritual perfection. THAT’S why people should look up to you! Not because of your looks but because of your CHARACTER.
And when it comes to dating,
how much better is it to know that someone fell in love with you NOT merely because of your looks, but because of who you truly are.
And honestly, if they see the dirt and grind that’s beneath the surface of what you show everyone….and they still absolutely love you and choose to stick around, know that THEY ARE WORTH holding on to. Seriously.
These insecurities have been eating away at me for the past two or three weeks…and by God I am so happy that I’m starting to come to terms with the truth.
I may not be physically perfect or completely attractive like my friends or other people I know….But it’s such a comfort to know that God knew what He was doing when He created me. Every single flaw I see in myself, HE SEES AS PERFECTION. And God did this to reveal the reality that one of the greatest joys in life is having people love you for who you are on the inside, not for what fades.
God has been completely open, honest, and straightforward with me for a long time now of what He simply just doesn’t want for me. “It was pain that I wanted to protect you from,” He said to me tonight.
From the chat, to friends, to whispers from God, to the vision, to the two symbolic dreams, through what the pastor said when the Holy Spirit took over him….all of it was so straightforward.
And yet God opened up the path and said that if I choose it, then I would feel pain. He said that from the start. He said that I’d be thankful for the pain and that He’d make it work out for good in the end.
I thought that was better. And I told Him every single day that I’d rather get what I want and then learn from it. That would be better, right? Touch the hot stove and learn from my pain, right? But no….that’s not what He wants. ALTHOUGH He IS giving me the choice, it’s PAIN He wants to stop me from feeling.
Tonight though,
I finally LISTENED to Him about something other than what has been my main and only concern for the past few months….
“You’re finally listening,” He said.
And what He said tonight, what He is promising…well…truly sounds way better than what I’ve been wanting.
It’s terribly difficult though.
“Then I shall give it to…..but only if you leave behind what you want.”
How am I going to do that?
Simply, over time.
That’s why He’s giving me such a large amount of time to be freed. To be okay, and away. So that I can find my way back to Him.
He wants me to use the next few weeks to draw closer to Him.
And I believe….that in the next few months, what He talked about tonight will come to place.
I honestly can’t even imagine it though.
But God…..
Who can even comprehend His ways, right?
Man.
I’m just blown away.
I don’t know how I’ll be able to let go the thing I’ve been holding on to for almost close to a year now….and something I’ve wanted for months now (something that is even SO CLOSE within my grasp; yet something that God doesn’t want me to grab), and just trust that He WILL give me what He wants for me…something that would bring gratification.
Trust. Faith. It’s always the word.
“Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1
Something about myself and the change that needs to be made in me. And who knows, maybe in others too.
I’m posting that comment not to boast in myself, but to boast in God. Her comment is honestly one of the nicest and most amazing things that has ever been said to me, and I’ll admit it makes me feel awesome about the choices I make. But what she says in the end….it just goes to show how our actions and choices to help someone else can TRULY open a door for God to enter and begin to WORK.
Here’s me being completely honest about myself. I truly am completely 100% genuine when I talk to people and pray for them. I don’t do it for publicity. But the truth is, there are way too many times where I’ll go home and be alone and think to myself how much I “should” be recognized for how nice I am to people.
My school gives out awards for your character. For how you treat others. For how you display the love of God. And almost consistently I will get the thought that I deserve it. That I SHOULD be awarded those things, because hey, aren’t I a genuinely good person? I help everyone, I’m nice to everyone…so I deserve it, right?
And then oh man, if I’m not noticed for things then it’s like, “Oh? Did I go wrong somewhere. Or maybe God’s just humbling me.”
The point that I’m trying to make is that is NOT a good mentality. It’s quite a bad one to have actually. Like in Matthew 6:1 it says, “Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.”
Doing good for others isn’t so that I can gain something in the end.
It’s not so that I can get noticed.
It’s not so that I can be liked more.
It’s not so that I can be looked up to and exalted.
It’s so that GOD can be seen
It’s so that GOD can be exalted in a way that makes HIM likeable. That makes them want to Know Him more.
Even if I truly am genuine when I help people….I shouldn’t feel the need to gain things. Because then it becomes about me…and when that happens, then what I did basically has no meaning.
There’s no I in Jesus. But there is an E. and there is an US. Because everyone deserves to be loved. And it is not about US….but God has given redemption through His son to all of US.
We (Christians) are meant to reconcile the world. We’re meant to spread the good news. And we’re meant to do it for HIS KINGDOM. Not our own wordly kingdom build up of things that fade.
Because even if I do win whatever awards and titles that I want. Who is going to remember or know that in a few years aside from me? In the end it WILL NOT MATTER.
But what WILL matter is the genuine love that I give to others…that through God will have the power to draw them closer to God.
Our love can open up passages and gateways to the Heavenly Kingdom.
“Seek first the Kingdom of God and everything else will follow.” (Matthew 6:33)
I’ve been praying so, so hard these past few days that God will remove my desires to win these things that won’t last. And I realized tonight that the best way might be just to not win those things. So maybe I won’t. Maybe that’s how God will teach me. Or maybe He will just teach me through these realizations. Who knows.
But I truly pray that all of you who actually take the TIME to read this…will also come to the point in your lives where you realize that it is not the recognition that matters. It is the things done in secret that open gateways to winning another soul to the kingdom of God. That’s what matters. That is what lasts forever.
“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”
-Romans 12:2; NLT
God deserves much, much more of me.
I’ll be completely honest.
Miraculously, God answered yes to both those prayers. Got asked/a date figured out TWO days before the dance….And John gave me his ticket to Jesus Culture today…basically TWO weeks before Jesus Culture/Ignite. So crazy.
Esther told me today about how she makes time for God. How she would read a chapter, write the verses that stuck out to her, and write down her prayer…..
True Love.
“But I’m always initiating things. Just for ONCE in my life….can somebody fight for me? Can somebody initiate things for me because they actually want me? Because they’re actually brave enough to fight for me…or because they actually think that I’m worth something? Can’t somebody for once in my life fight for me because they’re afraid to lose me to someone else? For once in my life can I just feel that somebody loves me enough to try…?”
“But….Isn’t that what Jesus did for you? Isn’t that what God does for you every, single day?”
Spell Lie. Spell Sin. What’s the middle letter in each?
In truth, when we think about ourselves above anything else….when we live our lives by the “I” standard…..we’re living a lie. And because of our selfishness, we sin.
so My Saturday (January 14, 2012)
*Woke up.
*Wrote my book. Neglected studying for the SAT…again. But I still have time(:
*Mom came home with my Taco Bell XXL burrito…..since i didn’t have breakfast I was STARVING. Ate that and when she went to work, I ended up crashing into a food coma. LOLOL.
*Woke up again at 5 basically. Felt gross and still full from the burrito.
*I was considering going to kung fu to practice my form, then go to lessons, then go BACK to practice—but nah. I took too long to get up from bed. ahah wow.
*But finally got up and spent some time with dad, then left for the mall for my FIRST guitar lesson :DDD
The guy is srsly so nice. I’m glad he’s a Christian and it’s amazing to see how God has really worked miracles in his life. To think he almost died a few months ago. And now he’s here, stronger than ever, literally. New heart, New mindset.
And he’s really encouraging. Since I’m two seemingly negative things (Insecure and a Perfectionist), he really helps me out.
“Don’t expect too much out of yourself. You’re not going to get things down right away…and you’re already doing really great. So things will be hard at first, but don’t give up, and things will get easier.”
And like when he brings up my long fingers that are “unusual” for girls my age…just as I was about to feel super insecure, he told me how that’s actually to my benefit. He called them graceful when it comes to me and using them for my music.
And during my lesson I realized that for all the times I’ve hated my hands….God made them so because He wanted to bless me with the ABILITY and ADVANTAGE when it comes to my music. My music for God.
It was super awesome(:
After that, drove to kung fu. GOT FRKING LOST FOR 20 MINUTES. Every time I was about to set my gps, all the redlights would become green. I had missed my turn and kept driving straight until I had literally no idea what area I was in. LOL.
But made it finally.
I was actually winded when I got there after being all tense while driving. ahahhaha.
Fun, fun, fun time at practice. Hmmmmmm. I can try to remember quotes. LET’S SEEE UHH (it’s 1:11 am why am i not asleep)
Brandon: IS THIS THE COOL CORNER?
__________________
*Asked Stanley to do partner stretching with me. (straddle) But he ends up basically KICKING MY LEGS open to stretch instead of pushing them out slowly. So every time he did I literally SCRRRREAAAMED. EVERY. TIME.
so:
me: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHAHAHAHAHA
Stanley: what? *PUSH AGAIN*
me: AAAAHH——-DUDE IT HUUUUUUUURTS…….AHHHHHHHHHAAAHAHHAH
Stanley: If it hurts then why are you laughing?!
me: becaaaaaaaaaaauseee—AHHHH HAHAHAH.
Willie: Because it HURTS SO GOOD.
me: yeah, that’s it…..
ahahhahhaa
_______________________
Isaac: I’VE GOT SPEED IN ME. (HAAHHAAH. bad when taken out of context, I know. LOL.)
___________________
Me: HAHAHAH AM I FUNNY?!??!?!
Willie: NO! You’re the kind of person who thinks they’re funny, but in all reality you’re the only one who thinks you’re funny, and everyone is just laughing at you.
AHAHHAHAH EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HE WAS RIGHT. (LOL GRACE IF YOU’RE READING THIS, IT’S LIKE THE DEFINITION OF US.)
______________________
*me trying to say 18 in Chinese*
Elina: LOL YOU JUST SAID SNAKE 8.
_______________________
me: Omg, Willie. You have influenced Jake. SO MUCH. He called me LITTLE GIRL. And he called people little boys and little girls
Willie: Oh yeah I say that!
me: And he’s always trying to be sexy. Like when you talk about being sexy. EVERY TIME. He talks about being sexy.
Willie: what? He doesn’t do that when I’m around! only with you. Something about you that makes him try to be sexy.
me: LOL well yeah. You’ve influenced him…
Willie: It’s because he’s my DISCIPLE. Jaden…Jaden…..Jaden—
me: That’s Jake…….
Willie: OH YEAH I MEAN JAKE.
me: LOL YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU’RE ON DISCIPLE’S NAME.
“YEAAA—— BOOOOOOOOOO.”
________________________
That SUUUUUUUUUUUPER awkward moment when I was sitting in a straddle and just as I’m about to close my legs Stanley moves his stick in such a way that it gets stuck in between my legs and Willie’s right there and all Stanley says is sorry and everyone laughs but really it just looked pretty inappropriate. LOLOL oh man…
_________________________
That moment when I say that they should be saying, “Cheezits” instead of “Jesus.” WHATEVS I LIKE HEARING CHEEZITS BETTER.
__________________________
me: are you okay?
Willie: Nooooo. I’m hurting internally, externally…..physically, spiritually, emotionally. (LOLOLOL. sifumeng’s slogan..thing)
____________________________
me: *Still counting in Chinese…getting confused and saying it questionably*
Brandon: WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?!
me: NO I WAS JUST LOOKING IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION
_______________________________
Brandon: I’m gonna leave….and go home and party on tumblr.
(our lives.)
“teaches me to have a social life without talking to anyone.” hahhaha
________________________________
Someone: Did you have bad luck Friday the 13th?!?!?!
me: When was Friday the 13th….?
brandon: uhh.. maybe yesterday.
me: wait is today the 14th?
brandon (I think?): GEE. FRIDAY..the 13th….TODAY’S THE 14TH….
me: WELL SORRY. NO ONE EVEN CARES AT MY SCHOOL ANYMORE.
___________________________________
Jake: SARAH IF YOU WIN I’LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR!
*I win that dodgeball round*
Jake: AHHH…YOU GOT THE DOLLAR.
_________________________________
Jaden: I BET ONE DOLLAR
me: I bet TWO dollars!!
Jaden: I BET FIVE DOLLARS!
me: I bet EIGHT!
Jaden: I said I bet FIVE.
me: …I know…I said Eight…
Jaden: Oh….
LOLOLL.
___________________________________
Brandon: I’M GOING TO LOSE ALL MY FOLLOWERS.
_____________________________________
me: SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO BE SEPARATED…FROM THE THINGS YOU LOVE…IN ORDER TO HAVE A SWEETER REUNION. IN ORDER TO BETTER APPRECIATE THE TIME YOU HAVE WITH THEM! RIGHT GUYS?!?!? RIGHT???!?!?! AREN’T I SO PHILOSOPHICAL?!?!
*Both Willie AND Brandon diss me!!*
me: NO. RIGHT MR. DAUGHERTY?!?!
Mr. Daugherty: Actually yeah. That is pretty philosophical!
Brandon: WHAT….
_______________________________________
well that’s basically all the quotes I can remember.
The tumblr video. That was too good. I was so stressed out. I was afraid he’d delete it if it got posted. Then it took years to upload. Then it didn’t even show up on his DASH when it said it was successful. That was upsetting. Then driving home I got a text and LOL IT WAS UPLOADED. WOOT. hahahhahha.
And omg. During dodgeball. ALL the kids started cheering for me when it was the final two. I honestly thought it was one of the nicest things ever. I tried to ask them to stop, because truthfully, I’ve been on the un-receiving end to that. You know, when NO ONE cheers for you. And that’s what happened to the girl I was against. So I knew how she felt. So as awesome as it felt to get cheered for, I lost all desire to win at that point. Idk, I guess that was all I needed. Since you know, it’s super nice to know that people like you. haha.(:
So that was during the girls games.
I liked watching the boys play ahahah. Too funny. Like how whenever Brandon gets hit he looks like a fish out of water. Or the part when Willie threw the ball and it KNOCKED Jake out! HAHAHA AND WHEN HE WAS ALREADY OUT, WILLIE THREW IT AT ANOTHER GUY AND YET IT HIT JAKE AGAIN. ahahah double kill.
wellllllllllllllp yeah. Went home and tumbled and had a nice night.
And I hope you all had sweet dreams
If you read this, then maaan, you must be bored.
