A Light in the Dark

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Psalm 76 and 79. @janellelelele 💛☺ #devotion #God #Psalms (Taken with instagram)

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(Psalm 42:7; 69:2) Before I fell asleep last night God spoke to me and said a certain relationship would not work out because if he were to see the depths of my heart, he would run away. Not all people are ready for such depth from a person’s heart, their love. Then I dreamt last night. There were images of deep waters, a mystical type of water. Throughout the entire dream a worship song resounded: “MY HEART cries DEEPER. My cries deeper for you. My HEART grows deeper, my heart grows louder for you. These depths come from my heart, and they grow louder for you. For YOU,God!” you see, the ways of the Lord are unable to be understood. He works mysteriously. He fills the depths of our hearts with love, music, and friendship. He fills us with HIM. I understand suddenly the intention of what He did last night: IF I CHOSE TO SETTLE for what I want—who I want, I’d end up empty. The larger and deeper my heart is, the more it takes to be satisfied. ONLY THE FATHER, THE CREATOR, and SAVIOR can fill my heart, which grows deeper and deeper for the love of the LORD. Only He can satisfy. #devotion #personal #love #God #Psalms #life #Water #Christ (Taken with instagram)

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Last part says “in my arms.” Speechless. #God #devotion #hearinggod (Taken with instagram)

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Part One #God #truth #wisdom #devotion #HearingGod (Taken with instagram)

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(While I was driving today to practice, the song “I’ll Show You How To Live” by Sanctus Real was playing)

Me: My life….it’s just the beginning. From now on I start to experience all the things of growing up. Soon…my life is finally going to begin. 

God: No, Child. Your life starts today. In fact, it started from the first day. From your first breath. You don’t wait for a certain time or a certain moment to begin living your life. You don’t wait for a certain mark to begin living. Life starts in every single moment that I give you another breath. If you wait to live your life, you will only waste it. Don’t waste the life I’ve given you by waiting to begin to live. I will show you how to live.

(Source: allforlovephoto)

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God gives us the perspective on things we don’t understand and on things we don’t want to see. But I praise God that He is a God that wants to show us TRUTH. He is a God who wants us to understand…those little bits that we can comprehend at a time. #devotion #God #questions (Taken with instagram)

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Back into the habit because God deserves much more than I’ve been giving. #daily #devotion #God #Jesus (Taken with instagram)

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splashofhope:

Oh, it’s like God knew what I needed or something. #God #Morning #devotion #bedtimeblessings #book (Taken with instagram)

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Oh, it’s like God knew what I needed or something. #God #Morning #devotion #bedtimeblessings #book (Taken with instagram)

One last thing before I block my tumblr:

God is the only one that can bring you through the darkness.

There are two thoughts that are incredibly deceiving:

1. Someone else is your light.

2. You are your only light. 

Too often we look to other people to give us light and hope. 

Too often we depend on our own understandings and our own strength to heal us. 

And when it doesn’t help, we wonder where God is…but I think the reality is that the reason He is not “showing up” is because we weren’t even bothering to call upon Him.
We didn’t bother to let go of our problems and give Him control.

We didn’t ASK Him. We didn’t take a moment to TELL Him and confess and forget our pride to say that we can’t do it on our own. 

We always want to be control of things….but that’s not how it should be. 
I am absolutely IN LOVE with these lyrics:

I had a dream that I was captain of my soul
I was master of my fate, lost control. and then I sank
So I don’t want to take the lead, ‘cause I’m prone to make mistakes
All the folks who follow me, going end up in the wrong place
So let me just shadow you, let me trace your lines
Matter of fact, just take my pen, here, you create my rhymes
‘Cause if I do this by myself, I’m scared that I’ll succeed
And no longer trust in you, ‘cause I only trust in me
And see, that’s how you end up headed to destruction

Paving a road to nowhere, pour your life out for nothing 

Just keep these things in mind. It’s not easy. And there’s no concrete answer on “HOW” to do this. The only thing I can say is PRAY.

God once said to me, “Prayers can solve even the most complex problems your heart could ever have.”
 

I believe in those words. That’s when prayer is powerful. When you believe.

And if you don’t believe in prayer or it’s power—this is what I know: God will prove to you someday that it’s more than words to someone you can’t see. It’s a weapon. He will show you.

-splashofhope || A Light in the Dark

I give my heart away so damn easily. And it takes years to get it back.

No wonder God doesn’t allow me to date a lot of people like some of my friends.

My heart can’t handle it. 

Thoughts):

Last night I dreamed of a dead baby.

As I was walking up the hill from the senior lot, I thought and prayed about it. God said to me, “Sarah. Look up the definition on dream moods tonight. That’s where I want you to find the definition this time. But Sarah, just because an image appeared to be scary in your dream, it does not mean that the symbolism and interpretation is scary.” 

Well I just looked it up because I just remembered. It means, “an end to something that was a part of you.”

Because of the people in the dream/whose baby it was, as well as the setting it was at….I know what it is. I know what the dream means. I know what God’s talking about.

The image that is so vivid though is how the parents of the baby were smiling. They were smiling and laughing and joyful about the dead baby. They acted as if it were still living.

There. 
That gives me some hope.
Because I know that God is saying, “Sarah. Just because it is coming to an end, does not mean it will be a sorrowful ending. This time, here…you will be happy that you had it. They will all remain your friends, as if you never left. It will all be okay. Although things are coming to an end, although you have to move on to new things. YOU will be happy, and THEY will be happy. Because you all enjoyed the time that you had with each other. It will all be okay. It will not be sorrowful.” 

And it just makes me think about the vision that God gave me during worship about 3 weeks ago or so.

It was a certain someone and he said to me, “Sarah. You have to accept the fact that YOU are LEAVING. I’ve already accepted it. It was easier for me than it is for you…..but Sarah……just because it was easier for me to accept that you’re leaving, does not mean that it wasn’t hard. Because it was very hard…” 

The thing is…I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I knooooow.

But I don’t want to leave

I don’t want to move on 

They are my FAMILY. 

They have seriously become my family.

How can I be asked to leave and not be depressed about it.

How can God give me a VISION of this guy that is so freaking accurate to the feeling in real life. Even I can tell he has accepted it deep down in there. But me? I just can’t.

Not yet.

I can’t.

How can I?

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The Wall.

I painted this in 2002, second grade. Everyone was painting the same picture in imitation to some template, but only tonight am I realizing how it completely relates to my life.
For one thing, I love that the same template thing proves that in life, everyone struggles with the same types of emotions, only in different ways.

But upon observing the picture itself… A girl is walking in the rain along a path, but a field full of flowers behind a fence captivates her attention.

It’s me. It’s my life.
For the past year my heart feels to have been walking this monotonous path of joy and heartache, joy, then regret and hurt. My heart has been plagued by these puddles of sadness that don’t ever seem to dry out… But finally, I’ve stopped walking and I’m looking outward to a future of hope. However, here’s the problem: A fence blocks my path from reaching that future.
What is that fence?
All the shit I let pile up. I rarely use strong language like that in my writing, but I believe that it is the perfect word for once.
The fence is my fears.
The fence is my past.
My past mistakes.
My past regrets.

I am so tired because it is these things that have been holding me back from walking into my field of rest and happiness.
I haven’t been able to forgive myself, but now I know why.
I have been so incredibly angry at myself for allowing my pain to get the better of me. I hate myself for how I isolated myself from everyone last year. I hate myself for wanting to die. I hate myself for not being the perfect person that I could have been if I hadn’t let the pain get in the way.

BUT THAT’S THE PROBLEM.
If I let these things get in the way, these regrets, then I will NEVER reach that field of happiness.
Those things were mistakes. Mistakes that I learned from and grew from.
What’s the use of making the same mistake by allowing these regrets to get in the way of moving forward.

The umbrella.
The thing that protects me from the rain.
If I keep holding that, I’ll never be able to climb the fence because it occupies my hands.
It could very well be that God wants me to let go of my safety blanket and learn to dance in the rain… Dance in the pain.
I must learn to let go of my fear of pain as a way to combat it.

It’s crazy… How elementary school art, that at first seems to have no meaning, can actually mean more than the heart could ever truly comprehend.

Beauty :: Perception :: The Cycle.

Sometimes, many times actually, I’ll look at myself and I’ll say, “God…you made me so plain. I can’t find anything about me that is physically appealing. Why couldn’t you have made me beautiful like others?”
And of course, I always hear God say that He made me perfect. It’s not about what’s on the outside. It’s the inside that radiates true and genuine beauty.

However, all of this has got me thinking….

I’m not the only one who doubts my beauty.

So of the most beautiful friends and people that I know doubt their beauty.

I compare myself to them.

They compare themselves to others.

And it’s this never-ending cycle caused the the enemy that wants us to be totally distracted from accepting our true worth. The enemy does everything in his power to stop us from believing that we are beautiful, that we are worth something. 

And the cycle is so real, and it does not stop at the physical.

I started to think tonight that maybe the prettiest woman in the universe could look at me and be jealous of the soul that’s within me; the faith that I possess. 

I realized that it is indeed possible for the most gorgeous woman in the world to look down on the plainest girl in the world and say, “I wish that I could be here,” while that plain girl wishes it could be the other way around.

Why is it such a struggle for us to be happy with who we are? What we have?

Next time you look in the mirror, I encourage you to take a deeper look.

What really matters to you?

What is it that you want to attract? And in what means do you want to attract them?

And if that wasn’t clear then this is what I mean:  If you want someone who is worth holding on to, first make yourself into the person that is worth holding on to. Be someone with the beautiful soul that radiates outward and shines upon everything you do….everything you are. 

You know, God is good.

There’s no doubt about it.

There will be days when you’ll think that there is nothing good in the world.

But just wait:

Something will prove to you that you’re wrong on that one—and that there IS still light. And that there IS still goodness. And that things DO happen for a reason. And that things WILL be okay.

You won’t always see it in the mean time.

We are not meant to have all the answers.

But we are meant to experience things and pain in order to gain wisdom and understanding.

And God loves us enough to give us those things. 

First comes the pain.
Then comes the joy.

The joy sustains us through future pain.

But Joy: That, is what will last forever in the end.